I received the news at around lunchtime, my ever caring father calling up my unit's guardhouse only to find out that I was on an outfield exercise. The call was transferred over to one of my officers, who duly summoned me over, signalling that I had received a call from my dad, a call which would decide my fate. My initial reaction was that of shock and bewilderment as I struggled to come to terms with the news that NUS had rejected me for admission to both medicine and law. I simply could not come to terms with it at the time. Yet, the tears which should have fallen freely into the desert sand did not materialize. Instead, my mind was filled with innumerable questions which only served to intensify my bewilderment and surprise. Questions. So many of them that I seeked answers to; but they were only speculative solutions and not affirmative answers.

Resting under the tonner, sleep eluded me for many hours as thoughts stirred my consciousness and heightened my depression. I truly believed that I had done enough to merit a coveted place in the prestigious school of medicine at NUS, only to discover that my efforts were not even sufficient to warrant me a place at the faculty of law. I consoled myself in the belief that law had rejected me only because I viewed them as a second choice to medicine and they were steadfast in their belief that the faculty of law, prestigious in itself, was not going to tolerate playing second fiddle to medicine. They decided to admit students who viewed law as their first choice, so I shall not digress further on the issue, especially since my year is an extremely competitive one and I have supposedly been usurped by 250 students who are more capable than me.

That aside, I simply cannot understand what went wrong with my application to the school of medicine. It was not as if I did not prepare for the interview; in fact, I spent countless hours researching precious medical information and practising answers to standard questions. I believe I performed adequately in that aspect, but perhaps I did not give the interviewers what they were looking for. my personal statement was written with painstaking effort and unremitting dedication, having spent weeks drafting and editing it. I didn't exactly perform to my usual standards during the essay test given the difficulty of the question, so I suppose that was one of the reasons for my rejection. Another aspect which could have possibly cost me is the fact that I have no prior medical-related work experience or research attachments. I can use my early enlistment into army as an excuse, but the truth was that I opted to take a holiday after my a-level examinations because I was feeling burnt out and tired. I simply didn't have the energy to go for a month-long attachment programme or spend my precious holidays working at polyclinics and hospitals.

It was only when I booked out last night in my dad's car that the tears finally started to fall, and make no mistake about it - these tears have somewhat eased the pain of rejection. As my parents were speaking to me in the car, I realised that all I truly wanted was for my parents to be proud of my achievements, simply because they have always supported me through thick and thin. They have given me the best support any parents could possibly give their children, and, just like how they shared my elation when I received my o-level and a-level results in the past, they were here, by my side, to share this dreadful disappointment together with me. They were disappointed and upset with the system, not with me, and we all agreed that it was terribly unfair for me to receive notification of the rejection on the very last day.

Somehow, in my heart, I have always believed that I would one day meet with a setback in my academic career, having achieved what I've always wanted over the past six years. I suppose this is it. This is the setback which will test my strength of character; which will test my resilence and resolve; and I am determined to use this setback as a source of strength from which I will draw inspiration and motivation whenever I meet with difficulties in the future. I will use this setback as a lesson that life is never a smooth sailing journey, but one that is filled with obstacles and trying periods. In the words of my father, "I have confidence that this experience will only serve to make you hungrier. It will serve to galvanise you and motivate you to achieve greater success in life." I could sense the defiant pride in his voice as he mentioned those words of comfort and consolation, and I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.

I'd never though I would say this, but I'm proud to be one of only 90 students to have garnered a place at SMU's new law school! To me, that is an achievement in itself, and I should be happy and satisfied with what I have accomplished. This offer has been on the table for a long time, and it is clear that SMU values my talents and accomplishments. If medicine isn't for me, then I will ensure that I will perform to my best of my abilities at the school of law. I've never been so determined to win a scholarship so that I can ease the burden on my parents and be financially independent throughout my varsity days.

This entry has served its purpose; which is basically to galvanise my thoughts and rid me of my depression. I have to say it has worked, as talking to my parents and friends has enabled me to rediscover my self-worth and eradicate this inferior complex I've been experiencing over the past three weeks. Kudos to my parents for their unwavering support, and L awrence, D onavan, and M ark for always believing in me...you people are the best! :)

There's still no news whatsoever. I don't know if I can take this for much longer. This horrible feeling of being kept in the dark, of not being given a response when I clearly deserve one, especially when so many more places are available this year and so many people I know have gotten favourable replies. Life is unfair at times, it really is. When the long-awaited news finally emerges next week, I have less than three measly days to conjure a response and to start planning my next move, especially after another draining week where there is another depressing outfield exercise and everybody will probably get screwed by the commanders and senior operators yet again.

This isn't helping my mood. It isn't as if I wasn't already a moody prince to begin with, but recently the inevitable tension and worry has been accumulating to a point where I'm becoming sulky and temperamental. :(

Booking in about an hour's time and I still haven't packed my bag yet. How how how? I'll probably take a nice shower before heading off to camp. I really hate the start of new work weeks. Why can't I just go back to studying? Studying seems like absolute bliss to me right now. I'd give anything just so I could go back to learning and be doing something useful instead of being stuck inside a military organization where efficiency is low and rank is the word of law.

It seems that all humans are equal, but some humans are more equal than others, which is why there is a rank structure within the camp, solely dependent on experience and years of service to our beloved airforce. And yes, I am one of those lowly privates with nothing to my name; no power to do what I wish and no control over anything which happens to me. I'm not power hungry, but I simply dislike being commanded by higher ranking officials and running around doing silly things which will never be of use to me in the future once I complete the compulsory two years of service! ARGH.

I've got to go. D onavan's the I/C for next week; it'll presumably be a hilarious experience!

My red devils lost. hrmmph!

I advise anyone who chances upon this blog of mine to try the steak at uno beef steakhouse, which is concealed within a quiet toa payoh neighbourhood corner. The tenderloin steak is delectable; the black pepper chicken chop scrumptious! Oh yes, and try not to miss out on a piping hot bowl of homemade cream of chicken soup. It makes for an unforgettable dining experience! I shan't miss out on the tenderloin steak next time :)

I went to play soccer with some of my seniors and fellow teammates in the morning! We went all the way to yishun, and to be honest, the field condition was utterly disastrous. There were potholes in the ground and humps had developed all over the grass. we won the match 4-2 though, so I'm reasonably happy. I played at centre-back the first half and switched to right-back in the second period. One bad thing though; it's nearly impossible to play in the sweltering morning heat!

Booking in is the worst way to complete anyone's weekend. Another week of hell ensues, only this time, it gets much worse with manpacking and outfield exercise yet to come. Not to mention that there's a supposed ippt session on friday after a draining manpacking mission.

Please bring me some good news as soon as possible! :)

I'm extremely thankful to have such wonderfully supportive parents! Perhaps my time in army has shaken me from my adolescent slumber when I was a busy and angsty teenager who didn't have time for anything except sports, friends and studies. Now that I'm in the army, I really cherish the time I spend with my parents on weekends, and it is evident that they feel the same way. My dad claims that he can afford to order a wider variety of dishes when I'm around to 'clean up' the unfinished food! :)

The last five months in army has been a trying period for me, one filled with uncertainty, difficulty and time constraints. My parents have accommodated to my needs as best as they could by picking me up from the pasir ris bus interchange (during my time in tekong) and fetching me to the camp at chongpang currently! I'm truly appreciative of their support because private transport saves a lot of time and energy which can be invested into doing other meaningful things, and, not to mention, it means there's one less thing to worry about every weekend!

I went shopping with my mum today and bought a new light blue bossini teeshirt! if only I had a nice camera phone or something then I could take a picture and upload it. Sadly, camera phones are banned in every military organization so I'm currently using a basic nokia phone without a camera function. When I get out of army, no one can stop me from getting a high end camera phone so that I can take some pictures and post it!

I hope a definitive answer will come by next week. I haven't been accepted or rejected out right, but this feeling of uncertainty is making me fairly uncomfortable. I'm certain something concrete will be done by the administration soon, so wish me luck and lots of love!

GOGOGO you RED DEVILS! :)

Spiderman 3 was fantastic in terms of visual effects and presentation, however it seemed a little lacking in terms of the strong storyline which had made spiderman 1 and 2 such memorable blockbusters. I have my adwo buddy L awrence to thank for accompanying me to the movie!

That happened on an otherwise dour and uneventful friday night. The truth be known, the adwo course is finally starting to take its toll on us. The tension and worry in our midst is clearly building, and people are beginning to lose their minds because of their apprehension at being physically tortured from next week onwards.

Met up with my fellow bmt buddies G uowei and H umphrey today! They seem to be in the pink of health, and yes, both of them are in command school, which I originally aspired to but gave up after realising that I couldn't do pullups at all. I was planning on purchasing this new white globe belt but decided to go on a second round of belt-hunting next week, if I do get to book out that is. I feel like buying more clothes despite having already bought two new shirts this week! I want a pair of new bermudas which will most definitely cost me a bomb. Buying new clothes makes me happy and lightens this misery I've been experiencing for the past week or so.

Next week will probably be the biggest week of my life. In the words of my parents, it will come to you if it should, and do not have any regrets if you fail, because you have tried your best.

Cheerios!

The first post of any diary is always immensely difficult. It's just like a blank sheet of canvas, waiting to be painted with the most artistic and intrinsic of pictures. Like the beginning of all things new, the revival of a blog is often linked with the attempted revival and rejuvenation of an individual; to help him rediscover his confidence in life after being beset with numerous difficulties. Possibly, a blog also gives him an opportunity to regain his touch with the complexities of the english language. National service has invariably led to the deterioration of his written and spoken english, and this writer feels a strong desire to halt this depressing decline.

Hopefully, with this introductory post to my blog concluded, it can now take flight!